Dear Lucy,

I can honestly say that one day does not go by where I don't fight back tears just thinking of you.
It doesn't get easier like everyone promised. My bed is lonely without you.



I miss you and your diva attitude, hogging all the covers, eating my food, being completely inconsiderate of anything that didn't have to do with your personal pleasure.
You were, by far, the greatest friend I cold ever ask for.

Listen. Teach

Love...

Suffers Long and is Kind, It does not envy, it does not parade itself, it us not puffed up, it does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, it thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth, LOVE BEARS ALL THINGS, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

LOVE never fails.

And the Lord God said, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your mind and all your soul, this is the first great commandment. And the second is like it, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'


To those of you still taking the time out of your day to read this, I thank you... as so many other would have rolled their eyes at the 'cliche' Bible entry and been completely uninterested.


What's interesting to me, and what I think seems to be forgotten by most Christians, is the emphasis on LOVE in the Bible. God IS love, therefore if we are supposed to be Christ like, should we not evoke love into absolutely every area of my life?

What I love is that Christ did not say first love God, then push His views onto people no matter what it takes... conversions equals jewels in heaven, after all. NO, Christ said... first love God, then love the people. For even if you SAY you love God, but you do NOT love your neighbor, everything you do in life... all the good deeds are equivelent to sounding brass and clanging symbols to God ... Paul says it best, without love... all the good works profit NOTHING.

How can the people who say to be Christians forget this so fast? I know, it can be so hard to not clench your teeth in anger at some people, to not be able to see their viewpoints when they are completely opposite of you, to not be so frustrated with the people who are not your idea of perfect, but..

it is not the Christians job to change any of that. ANY of it.

Your job, as Christians... and I honestly think of any person living in the world, religious views aside... should be to love.

So many people are taking an 'us vs. them' stance when it comes to Christians and those who do not believe the like. But that's not it at all!

HELLO dumbies (ok, that wasn't showing love.. was it?) Christ himself who walked on this earth went against the religious ideas of perfect and placed himself with the prostitutes, the social outcasts, and those who did wrong. Who are YOU to think you're too good to bestow love upon someone, simply because their views on life differ from yours.

I am not here today, to tell you my views on politics, on your life, on what you should believe or even think. No, I am here to apologize.

On behalf of every Christian who has not showed you the love that I know God himself would have showed you (and if you don't believe in my God, please, accept my apology anyway), I apologize for any Christian who has been so disgusted with your lifestyle that they treat you as the scum of the earth, I sincerely apologize if the rude, or even oblivious remarks made by Christians have thus turned you completely opposite Christ.
And although it might be very hard for people to understand this, Christians are human as well, we do screw up as you would, and we're simply trying to live life day to day.

But that it no way makes it ok for the way you may have been treated. Although I can not say any Christian I know is perfect, please understand that it is not a reflection on who God is, for I wish I could say I was a mere image of God, unconditionally loving everyone, but I am not.

James asked me the other day if I could be remembered for anything, what would it be?
I answered boldness... but I didn't really feel like that was my answer.

I know now what it would be.
I want people to remember the love I show them. No matter their race, beliefs, sexuality, social status, job, religion, political views, bakground.. anything, I want to love them. Love them as only God could love them.

And though you may not agree with my spiritual beliefs, the verses on love are undeniably life changing and can be applied to anyone, anywhere. Hasn't there been enough war and intolerance in the world? All of it ends in violence, oppression, anger and strife...

....but what if it ended in love?

escape from jury duty

good thing i called off work for jury duty.
it's not like I need the hours or anything.


and though I'm glad to have escaped my civil duty, I'm a tad bitter that I could've at least gotten paid for today.

Instead, I watch internet tv.

God bless the CW

flowers for algernon

bad idea. bad bad bad idea.


I was starved today, and outnumbered 3 to one....AND it actually looked good. and I did it, I did the unspeakable.
I ate a chili cheese fries burrito.

and uggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh..

the worst feeling in the world, since the first bite at about 10 this morning I feel as though my stomach has been at war with the rest of my body.


sick. that was the worst decision, that is definitely crossed OFF my 'I need to do new things' list.

meat's no treat for those you eat.


but on a good note, we went to a thrift store and James the lames bought me Flowers for Algernon.
This book is so sad, and I've read it so many times. But I never tire of it, I love it.

Tomorrow is my last day at Ashley's furniture.
scary

update

holy moley, how I forget about these things so easily.

And I'm glad I have, I dare say I've done a little Kristen searching since my last blog, and I am so happy with the outcome so far.

I don't know when it happened, or even why it happened.. but it did.

One day, I literally woke up and said 'that's it, it's time for a change'

I vowed to myself that I was going to live a little while I'm here. That I was going to stop looking back on what I've missed out on and enjoy every second of what I have left. That I would do things I've never done before, that I would stop making excuses and just DO something... something so simple as going places when I'm invited, quitting a job I hated, indoor skydiving, yoga hell class.

And I've loved every second of it.

I don't know how it happened. But suddenly I'm one optimistic gal. I'm not so afraid anymore, I'm enjoying myself.
I'm closing my eyes and jumping into the deep end.

so, my future is bright, well.. at least I'm thinking it is.


next tuesday I start another semester of school, ahhh. even though my schedule sucks I can't wait to start, my books have been coming in the mail and I get more excited everyday. I love school.
and next tuesday I also [re]start my job at starbucks, where I will be getting paid a whole lot less, but I'm hoping I will be a whole lot happier.




things to do in the [near] future:
*swim with dolphins
*study abroad
*help someone appreciate themselves

wish me luck
:]

Merry Kristen

Confession 7: I think I'm too tired for my age.


I don't think I do too much, but I'm always exhausted. Maybe it's because I don't eat right, or maybe I just really like naps, maybe it's because my mom has trained me that there really is no life after 10.. it's phone off, computer off, go to sleep.
boring.


it's Christmas eve, all my family comes over so we can open presents.
I was much more excited for it yesterday, now I'm just kinda ready for it to be over so I can go to sleep.
But maybe I'll be more excited when my family actually gets here.

And then it's off to James' very very very very large family.

EEEEKKKK.

God be with me.


There's a line of my siblings waiting to use my brand new and BEAUTIFUL labtop (check that off the list) so this post shall be short and meaningful..


ENjoy

and in the event that I can't write tomorrow...

confession 5:

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, and I already regret it.

why oh why would I do it then?


who knows..

I can see the finish line... and it just starts another race

so much for updated daily....



I've got two finals down, and just two more to go.

I'm so close to being done I can TASTE it.
And I was soooo looking forward to a break, but nope.. instead I have to work a different day every week.
sucks.

Then in two short weeks I'll be starting the winter semester, which is only 6 weeks so it shouldn't be too hard.
and after that...

no break, starting a heavy load for the spring semester.

I'm gonna try to cut a day of work (if he lets me) so hopefully I'll just be able to survive money-wise. It's gonna be a huge pay cut.


Things to do before school starts again:

1. finish Christmas shopping
2. remind Larry that I'm going to have to work one less day every week.
3. go to disneyland
4. get my labtop so I can pass my online class.

I think those are pretty decent goals.


confession #4:
I don't like being in a big group. of people.

Never.

not even if I know every single person in the group. I'm a one on one gal.
Parties, get togethers, being the 'new' person somewhere where everyone knows each other...
nope.
not for me..

not because I dislike people, and I'm sure if I talked to each of those people one on one I would like them just fine.
but all at once, eek.

In those situations I always feel like I'm being drowned, with no hope of survival.
it makes me apprehensive and I just want to go home with Lucy; she never makes me meet new people.

..although she does make me chase very large dogs down the street



that's all for me, I need to get home and study.

i need to go to disneyland.

oh, won't you go to disneyland with me?

and my heart's keeping time to the speed of sound...

confession 3: I'M SERIOUSLY RETARDED IN ALGEBRA

I've taken the same two math practice tests around 4 times each... and the best score I've gotten was 67%.
what the heck is the point of going to class tomorrow if every time (besides that GLORIOUS D) I've failed every practice test.
I swear to God math formulas change for every effin problem.

and you know what.. I'm gonna keep practicing. Because I refuse to believe that I'm not worth an A in simple algebra.
how am I supposed to do the more difficult algebra next semester... and even the one after that? AND THAT'S THE SIMPLE MATH! just enough to get out of community college.
op my goodness.



that's ok.
at least I can answer phones for the rest of my life.




oooooooooooooooon a brighter note.
I'm getting my laptop soon.
I'm not sure how yet.
but it's a coming!




yesterday is history
(be gone!)
and it's never coming back

Day 2/3. Psychology Blues

Day two [a few days late]


confession 2:

I don't handle failure well/ (confession 3) I over analyze everything.


We had a psychology essay last Thursday on Oedipus Rex and Heart of Darkness.
so, being obsessed with success I studied and studied.. found quotes, read people's views, took notes when he talked about it.. yada yada yada.

He gives us 4 out of the 5 questions on the essay, I PERFECTED (at least I hope) those 4 questions.
so I walk into class... feeling, PRETTY a o.k about this whole essay thing.
the time comes and he gives us the 5th question

"who, what, where, when and why did Frued kill Kurtz'

Now the first thing that came up into my head was.. he must have written it wrong, and meant to put 'Conrad' instead of Kurtz. Because Frued is not the author of Heart of Darkness and therefore has no say about the death of Kurtz.

but nahhhhhh. that was just too simple. There must be something.. anything.. that could make that answer justifiable. So instead of going with my gut instinct and simply writing that Freud didn't kill Kurtz, I decided to go into how Freud uses Kurtz as a symbol of us, and when balanced with the id and the correct amount of civilization the superego... yada yada yada.

As I go to turn in the paper feeling SHAME because I knew it wasn't right.. he takes my paper and my pen.

MY pen...
and draws a sad face.


the NERVE!!! HOW DAREST THOU DRAW A SAD FACE WITH MY VERY OWN WRITING UTENSIL!!
how DARE HE!

does he know who I am!!!!



anyway.. now the best I can get it a B. If I'm lucky.

I hate Freud.
and sad faces.
and did I mention James did no studying whatsoever and got an A?
yea.. I hate him too.

in short, I beat myself up over not going with my gut instinct (which was right)
and cried.


I better get an A in the class.

the end.

Genesis

In a desperate attempt to prove something of myself I have been killing myself to absolutely succeed at everything...

...all at once.

and I'm failing miserably.
eek



I was reading my psych book about how there's three different stages of stress, and somehow managed to be in all three of the stages at once.

And because it's the only thing that's given me advice in a while I decided to take a suggestion, so my dear psychology 1 book..
this is for you.


As suggested, I am supposed to log things that I won't normally tell people for 28 days and see what it does for me.

I guess I already feel a sense of relief,
but I think that's partially because it's taking away from me failing ANOTHER math practice test.

seriously, algebra, I hate you.


anyway...

thing number 1 I wouldn't really tell people:

I'm desperately afraid of growing up.

the thought of not having enough energy, or another chance, the thought of never having the excitement of youth, or the optimism I hold now scares me.

but what scares me the most is wasting my youth worrying about growing up.


it's ironic really, people spend their whole youth trying to find something that's going to be appealing to them when they 'grow up'

and finally when they reach that goal (or at least the age that they should have reached it) they tend to realize that they want their youth back.



why can't we just enjoy our youth while we have it.. and in turn be fully prepares for the adult life?



Thank you America, for your fast pace lifestyle that makes any 18 year old who doesn't know what to make of herself feel like she's behind on the social time clock.


I think I'm having a mid life crisis.
:]






I'd rather dance than talk to you...
so let your hips do the talking.

also, since it's honestly time..

I have an incredible fear of drinking rotten milk
if it's been in the fridge for more than a week. noooo thank you.